Five types of people who self sabotage success
I wrote recently about two of my clients that were holding themselves back in very different ways.
Now it's time to look in the mirror.
Do you have a goal that you haven't been able to achieve?
Are you pointing the finger of blame at your boss, your employees, your colleagues, even your family, because they're getting in the way and preventing you from being able to realise that goal?
You're not the only one.
I can relate to pretty much all of these.
But the problem (as it was for me) is likely to be staring at you in the mirror. More than likely, it's you getting in your own way.
These are the types of people that self-sabotage. Do any resonate with you?
Perfectionists – won't take action until they are 100% happy with what they plan to do.
Observers - who spend so much time researching they fail to take the steps they need to move forward.
Conservatives (with a small "c") – who are so good at scanning the horizon for the danger that they end up only seeing the pitfalls.
Givers – who give so much of themselves to others that they lack the energy needed to excel.
Opportunists – who can't say no to the array of options in front of them and end up failing to maximise any of them.
What's the common thread linking these types of people? They are all held back by fear.
Fear of being judged.
Fear of losing money.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of work taking over their lives.
Fear of failure.
This fear can be crippling – and the reason why many goals remain just pipe dreams. As Lao Tzu said: "There is no illusion greater than fear."
““There is no illusion greater than fear.””
Can you lean into your fear?
But if you are holding yourself back, or getting in your own way because of fear, there is one reason that is more important than any other.
Your goal is not big enough or important enough. Fear is such a powerful force that the only way we can overcome it is if our desire outmatches our fear. In other words…
Your desire for change must be so powerful that nothing - not even fear - will stand in your way.
‘What’s holding you back?’ is the question I’ve asked recently to two of my clients, producing very powerful reactions in two very different ways…
What’s Holding You Back (#1)
Alessandro works for a large company in the UK. He’s from Italy and his family, with whom he’s very close, still lives there. He’s married and soon to be a father. The work he does impacts positively on the lives of the people in the company’s supply chain and it’s very important to him. Even though he’s been living in the UK for the last few years, Alessandro sees his long-term future in Italy and he’s already identified the role of his dreams, although he’s not sure how he’s going to get there.
During our conversations, it struck me that there was a tension at the heart of what Alessandro was telling me. So I probed a little further and asked him “what’s holding you back?” His reaction was more powerful than I had anticipated. He told me that he is fiercely patriotic and feels like he should be in Italy now. The feeling was exacerbated by the fact that his wife was soon to give birth and that they would be away from their families. He felt really torn and this was impacting him mentally and taking his focus away, not only from his current role, but also his long-term vision.
Answering my question allowed Alessandro to identify what he was struggling with, to articulate it – and by doing so also allowed him to re-focus on his vision and the sacrifices he is prepared to make to ensure he achieves his goals.
What’s Holding You Back (#2)
Kavita works in the UK for a multinational in a professional capacity. She was born in India and previously worked for the same company in India. She is married and has a young child. She is very ambitious for her career and also knows what she wants from her personal life too, which includes having another child in the next few years.
The subject of our coaching engagement related to her work, but as with most clients, aspects of personal and professional lives interweaved, so we ended up discussing both. Kavita told me about the role she performed in India, the role she was currently working and her ambitions for her next role. As she talked about the future, I sensed something was holding her back, so I asked the question.
The answer, when it came, was a surprise to Kavita. She realised that she had been holding herself back from applying for roles which she really wanted (and which would have really stretched and excited her). The reason was because she knew she wanted to have another child and she worried what that might mean for her career, or for her ability to be a parent and working mother (with a high-powered role) at the same time.
Talking it through helped Kavita see that she didn’t need to her hold herself back and that she could have the personal and professional success she sought. Freed from those self-imposed constraints, she became much more able to harness her gifts. It was wonderful to watch!
Until next time,
Julian